I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize