It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Randomize
