nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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