I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
