my mouth tastes like poor choices
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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