The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
