Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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