my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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