Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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