He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
