Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
