cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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