The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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