just come out here and I will go home with you...
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
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