it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
