Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
