we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
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