I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
