Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
there is glitter all over my balls
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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