Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
