this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
