Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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