I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
