If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
