Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
