I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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