you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
