wat bout pragnant strippers??
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
