They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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