I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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