No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
