I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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