he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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