You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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