I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
