If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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