Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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