Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
