Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
