Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
