Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
