If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
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