If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
this hospital has no fireball
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
