If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
