Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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