I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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