If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
