It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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