Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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