Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize