Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
