I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
