If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
