I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
