It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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