I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
