I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize