Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
